People always tell us who they are right off the bat. It's why I don't hold with the I Just Never Saw It Comings and the What A Bloody Tool This One Turned Out To Bes. If you're listening and watching closely enough, you'll always know. This is the boring explanation of course and personally I have always chosen to go the way of moral outrage: weeping fat, incredulous tears at the horrible transgression I've had to endure at the hands of a these, let's face it, VILLAINS AND LOTHARIOS! WOE WOE WOE, HUMANITY IS A BIG BUCKET OF SUCK. Some Jenny Owen Youngs later and weary from putting down a cocktail of trans fats, I usually end up feeling so sorry for myself it's really quite enjoyable. But that's besides the point.
People always, always tell us who they are. I once had someone say to me right at the get go, "I lie. Very often, I don't know why, I just lie. I'm trying to stop." To me this was staggering honesty and I knew right then that I definitely wanted to have whatever was possible to have with this person. Years later, the equation dominoed spectacularly - turned out that first truth had been the last. I just hadn't had the insight to take advantage of a gift like that. Lesson learned. Someone informs you they're going to rob you if invited to your party next Sunday, best to hold off on that eVite.
That once was the exception though. Usually it's a matter of simple deduction. Girl A does not have to tell you she thinks she's unlovable, she just has to be everybody's arch BFF and you'll know. Boy L, The Waiter Humiliator - I'm thinking either vacant Y-front or overindulgent mother? Chronic drunk dialing is a great way to let everyone know that you're, let's see... attention seeking, boring, narcissistic and disrespectful. And it's impossible not to get 'imbecile' and 'moron' from people who think Japan deserves its natural disasters, and 26/11 was avenged when India beat Pakistan respectively. Then there's always the quieter ones - casually going through your phone, knowing what you owe them down to the rupee but never vice versa, taking one too many friendly digs at your hair, congratulating you heartily on your golden luck whenever you achieve something.
As for me, I'm still consummately stupid about relationships. What's the alternative really? Being safe and very very lonely? The difference now, I suppose, is that along with focussing hard on what I like about people and hoping like always to be happily surprised, I can also appreciate that we're all creatures of habit. And we will usually always go on to do what we'll do. A tiny addendum but saves a whole lot of heartache.
People always, always tell us who they are. I once had someone say to me right at the get go, "I lie. Very often, I don't know why, I just lie. I'm trying to stop." To me this was staggering honesty and I knew right then that I definitely wanted to have whatever was possible to have with this person. Years later, the equation dominoed spectacularly - turned out that first truth had been the last. I just hadn't had the insight to take advantage of a gift like that. Lesson learned. Someone informs you they're going to rob you if invited to your party next Sunday, best to hold off on that eVite.
That once was the exception though. Usually it's a matter of simple deduction. Girl A does not have to tell you she thinks she's unlovable, she just has to be everybody's arch BFF and you'll know. Boy L, The Waiter Humiliator - I'm thinking either vacant Y-front or overindulgent mother? Chronic drunk dialing is a great way to let everyone know that you're, let's see... attention seeking, boring, narcissistic and disrespectful. And it's impossible not to get 'imbecile' and 'moron' from people who think Japan deserves its natural disasters, and 26/11 was avenged when India beat Pakistan respectively. Then there's always the quieter ones - casually going through your phone, knowing what you owe them down to the rupee but never vice versa, taking one too many friendly digs at your hair, congratulating you heartily on your golden luck whenever you achieve something.
As for me, I'm still consummately stupid about relationships. What's the alternative really? Being safe and very very lonely? The difference now, I suppose, is that along with focussing hard on what I like about people and hoping like always to be happily surprised, I can also appreciate that we're all creatures of habit. And we will usually always go on to do what we'll do. A tiny addendum but saves a whole lot of heartache.
3 comments:
This is a lovely post. I don't honestly know which comes first, the emotion or the realisation of the person's true self. And from experience, when your knees knock together when someone walks in a room, you tend (beyond all better judgement) to forgive or overlook the obvious. (Which you will kick yourself for later, when you're crying fat tears into a bucket of ice-cream)
OR, you could hope that each experience will be different from the previous one; and survive on the belief that this time you won't get hit...
@K Personally I like that the emotion still comes first for me, although now the realisations, if there are any to be had, follow quicker than they used to. That way there's heart but it's discerning too.
@SW Come now, of course they're all different. I used negative examples because they illustrate the point better.
I've had people show me immeasurable goodness from the start and all the way through.
If you're not shocked that someone who seems to genuinely care for you actually does, then why should you be shocked that someone who doesn't seem to genuinely care for you, actually doesn't?
Hoping is one thing and being willfully naive is quite another.
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