Saturday, 21 March 2009

One of those days

It feels strange when you wake up one day and realise how much you've changed over the years and just how weird you've gotten, or rather how you've swapped past weirdnesses for bright, new, scary ones. Yes, I have lists to illustrate.

Past strangeness
I ate coffee powder
I ate tea powder
I was terrified of flying balls (Every possible joke you could think of making has already been made, rest assured)
When I looked in the mirror, all I saw was fat.
I was cripplingly shy. Most conversations I had were with people's shoulders or with their feet.
Having to speak up in public would reduce me to a cold, sweating, fidgety mass of nervousness. I'd go days without saying much.
I hated the idea of someone looking at my face for more than 40 seconds at a stretch.
I was a creepily good listener. It didn't matter who, even people I didn't know would walk up to me, you know, 'just to talk." I could go through conversations that lasted hours without having spoken more than a few words.
I hated phone conversations.

Present Strangeness
I am completely at ease with strangers, more so those I know I'll never meet again. When it comes to talking to people I know and have known for a while, I'm uncomfortable and want to just run away.
I have no idea what to say to people anymore. They tell me stuff and for some reason, if I feel the need to reply, I invariably end up saying the absolute last thing they wanted to hear.
I want to be listened to all the time. I get annoyed listening myself. In some way, it's as though I'm trying to make up for all the years I never ever talked about myself.
I rarely feel the need to communicate with people. The times that I do, I get sick of it five minutes into the conversation.
I smoke two cigarettes every night before I sleep.
I'm nervous and on edge almost everyday. Before I sleep every morning (4am), I feel a sudden rush of panic.
I eat a cube of cheese everyday at about 4pm.
I have a very strong urge to become an actor. Based on almost nothing at all.
I am obsessed with knowing inane facts about people. Sometimes I''ll stay up nights just looking up random subsidiary characters I've seen in films.

I scare myself.

Current song fixation: Let my love open the door by Sondre Lerche

No comments: