Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Hi Daddy,

It's been a while since I thought of you. I feel guilty about it sometimes but then other times I forget about that too. I feel like nothing should change the equation we shared when you were here, now that you're gone. I still want to tell you it's all your fault. I still need a punching bag. It's easier that way.
I think you going set the trend for 'quick and painful' for my life. I turned around for a bit and you were gone. Everything that does go, that means anything, goes that way now. Before I have a chance to make things right. I think worse than not having done the right thing is realising what the right thing is and then not having the time to do it. I was always a little slow on the uptake, you know that about me. And then having nowhere to send those new constructive thoughts, I put them away in the '?!' section of my mind, small regrets and questions that ferment and bubble and I know will rise without warning. And then I'll shake with sobs so gutteral, I'm shocked they're coming from me.
But don't think I'm unhappy. I'm not. I'm doing well, I barely cry at all. You'd be pleased to see me now, I think. I don't really blame you for anything, but you already know that. I can only hope you also know how much I cared without me ever having been able to say it. Because you cared more.

Till I need you again.
Or think about you.
Whichever comes first.

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