It occurred to me yesterday, during a particularly tiresome conversation when my brain came up for some air, that firing someone should not be restricted to jobs alone. Imagine how easy relationships would be if you could just eject people from your life without having to wade through the emotional afterbirth.
You cordially invite them into a safe (for you) space, make nice for a few minutes - "Your hair looks neat", "That leopard print really suits you.", "No you don't come off as a pretentious self-serving twat at all!" - and then you go in for the kill or in this case, an excruciatingly polite rejection.
"So I'm sure you're wondering why I called you out to this sardine tin of a coffee shop, in broad daylight, with all these pretty prospective witnesses. It's just that your performance has been slipping lately. I've tried to cover up for you with the others - I told them you had a shitty childhood, you have extremely low self esteem crossed with a puzzling narcissism and your mom always loved your sister more. That kept them quiet for a while. But it got harder for me to cover your back, you know. All the lies, all the incessant mooching off, all the general douchebaggery and this complete disregard for personal hygiene? I mean give me something to work with for chrissake!
Anyway, I'm sure you have your reasons for being such a conscience-free prick. And for why your personality is only the tragic imitation of everybody around you. Maybe your skill-set will be more employable some place else, say like...in a...um...well I'm sure you'll figure it out.
I wish you only the best. Don't let this small hurdle change who you are. Lots of people are sociopaths. And maybe someday you'll end up killing someone just because you felt bored but that's way into the future. And what's important is, I won't know you then.
I was told to release you with immediate effect but I got you seven days notice. I figured you'd need time to finally return my clothes/books/CDs/money. You can keep that framed picture of us - I already have a tonne of uncomfortable pictures with people I don't really like lying around. I'd return the stuff you gave me too, but can you ever really fit deep mistrust and disillusion into a paper bag? I'm not sure.
Anyway I think I'm going to go now because this has already been half an hour of my life I'm never getting back. And just to paraphrase our relationship, as usual I'm going to pay for this elaborate and expensive meal you had no qualms ordering even though your er, dog ate your wallet. You might want to go easy on the grease though, you're looking a bit fat. Bye now."
Yeah I think this could work. You should try it. I would but we all know those who can't do, write.